I’d like to take a moment to say that this post contains questionable content. You read on at your own risk.

Dear Fellow Victims,

For over a year now, a particular gentleman (Let’s call him Dave – not his real name) has been in Rimutaka Prison, near Wellington in New Zealand. You know him, as do I. For those of you who fell victim between 1998 and 2007 I feel a need to apologise to you. I realise that most of you will probably never read this, but I feel I should say it anyway.

For over a year I’ve felt a sense of guilt, that it could have been over 11 years ago – had I said something.

For over a year I’ve felt a sense of guilt, that you wouldn’t have been affected – had I said something.

For over a year I’ve felt a sense of fear, that although it didn’t affect me in any serious manner, wouldn’t have a chance to have affected you – had I said something.

For over a year I’ve felt a sense of responsibility that I otherwise wouldn’t have – had I said something.

Let me tell you my story.

Throughout 1998 and into 2000-2001 I was a member of a model enthusiasts group in the Wellington area. As I was 12 at the time, most of my involvement was in junior members meetings on Friday nights. Intended for students aged 11/12 through to the end of high school, the junior group was supervised by a small collection of older gentleman from the senior group. Several extra events occurred upon occasion. One such event involved the entire club assisting with an exhibit at a Scout Jamboree, a couple of hours drive from Wellington.

My dad, who was also a member of the senior group was working for parts of this event, and elected to stay home – making a day trip with my mum and brother one of the days we were there. I stayed in a motel with some other club members, under the watchful eye of Dave.

Dave had had many connections with the Scout movement in New Zealand, and so had a lot of connections with people at the Scout Jamboree. He arranged for those of us staying nearby to be able to eat with the staff at the Jamboree, and also take part in some of the other activities at the main Jamboree site. He also paid for him and myself to take a ride in a Helicopter that was doing tours over the Jamboree site and surrounding areas – my first time flying.

I remember 2 incidents from the Jamboree trip. The first was when Dave took me to the spa to relax a little. This was fine, however I thought his suggestion that it was “better naked” a little unusual. Having never taken a spa and not knowing any different, I complied without question. I also remember the ‘joke’ he told about a man who put his penis in a jet in a spa pool, before it got stuck, and how embarrassing it would have been for the man to call for help. I believe it was in the spa that he touched my penis for the first time. I also didn’t make the connection that what he was doing was wrong, and again didn’t question what was happening.

The second was when I was being put to bed – Dave would lay under the covers with me for a few moments to talk. I remember he put his hand under my pyjamas and fondled again, this time asking if I ever talked to my penis, if it had a name. These were the two times I remember Dave touching me. I remember him mentioning that it was a secret, and that I shouldn’t tell anyone. I remember him reminding me of this again when we arrived outside my house after the event was over.

Dave was caught when another club member, with whom he had shared a victim, was arrested in 2007. I remember the day the Detectives called my cell phone and asked if I knew why they were calling. My Dad had come home from a Senior club meeting earlier in the week and sent my 11 year old brother to bed. My brother was attending the junior club by then and had had minimal contact with Dave. Anyway, Dad sent my brother to bed and had sat down with me and mum to announce that Dave had been arrested. He informed us that the records had been seized, and that we may receive phone calls. I was expecting that phone call for that reason. I talked to my parents for the first time about what had happened at the Scout Jamboree, and they were shocked. They weren’t angry, if anything they seemed in pity that Dave had felt the need to do what he did.

What I didn’t know when the Police called was that Dave had sat down in several hours of interview and confessed everything to a video camera. I was one of the victims he had directly mentioned and confessed. I was at his sentencing in November – I was working for Gen-i on the Ministry of Justice Service Desk at the time, and was located about 5 minutes walk from the Courthouse. I spoke to my boss who was more than willing to let me take the half hour break to sit in on the hearing. It was on this day that I learned of the third time I was touched.

One of the other things that happened while I was affiliated with the enthusiasts group was a trip to Christchurch. This time my family were all there, and we were staying as a family in a motel unit. Being young and dumb at the time, I wasn’t drinking enough. One of the days we were there I had failed to drink enough water, and become dehydrated. Head spinning and feeling queasy I headed for the bathroom where I collapsed on the floor. I don’t recall whether Dave found me or whether someone else had alerted him that I was there, but either way he came in and collected the semi-concsious me from my resting place. He carried my through the event hall and out to his car in the parking lot. It was there, in broad daylight that he attempted to masturbate me while I was still unconscious. I strongly suspect his attempt failed, however I don’t remember waking up, or the events shortly afterwards. I know my dad came out and helped me recover from the dehydration, and he clearly wasn’t aware that anything other than dehydration had occurred.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know. I’d been reading Violent Acres blog recently, and this article stood out to me. My parents were trying to tell me that this event had severely affected me and such. But it wasn’t true – I had completely forgotten about the incidents with Dave until my dad came home to tell us that Dave had been arrested. Even when I was reminded and it all flooded back, it seemed as if it wasn’t even me that had experienced those things (I felt that disconnected from them all). Nothing that Dave had done to me had had any lasting effect on me.

V writes:

I honestly haven’t thought about Evan in years (The incident was that much of a non-issue to me), but while watching the actress silently cry on my television screen, he burst back into my memory. I have to wonder if my silence caused another unfortunate acquaintance of Evans distress.

After the movie, I started scouring the Internet for news stories about men who have exposed themselves to other women. Every time the ‘victim’ of such circumstances was interviewed (And they were always referred to as The Victim), they reported feeling “very afraid,” or “terrified,” or “frozen with fear.” Some women said they had trouble sleeping after the incident or were scared to leave their houses now.

Since reading that post, my mind has been wandering over how things would have been different if I had spoken up. Since reading that post, my mind has been wandering over what I would do differently if I knew then what I know now. Since reading that post, my mind has been wandering over what effect my silence had on the world.

The results of my silence is clear to me. Another 10 years Dave went continuing to offend against members of that organisation. At least another 3 people fell victim to Dave’s wandering hands. Do not fear for me, I am fine emotionally with regard to Dave and the things he did. My fear is for you, fellow victims. I hope that you were able to get over what he did, as I have. I hope that it didn’t affect you, as I was unaffected. I hope against hope that what Dave did to you didn’t turn you away from doing things you once enjoyed for fear that you would fall victim to another preying pedophile again.

And so to you, fellow victims, I apologise.

I apologise for forgetting about the events rather than talking about them.

I apologise for not speaking up and ending this in 1999.

I apologise for remaining silent and enabling him to do what he did to you.

Yours Sincerely,

Zeke